SCENE 1
PRESIDENT JESUS CHRIST'S darkly rich golden hair waved in the wind like a banner flag to orange combovers. Yeah, the Lord came back. Came back in a big way, bitches. He might have been thinking about His houses, His boats, His cars. He might have been thinking about His cash, or His wives. But right now all Jesus had on His mind was business, plain and simple. Business with a man named Ripper.
PRESIDENT JESUS CHRIST'S darkly rich golden hair waved in the wind like a banner flag to orange combovers. Yeah, the Lord came back. Came back in a big way, bitches. He might have been thinking about His houses, His boats, His cars. He might have been thinking about His cash, or His wives. But right now all Jesus had on His mind was business, plain and simple. Business with a man named Ripper.
Jack the Ripper came with a rep. Hell, even Jesus was impressed. But He tried not to show it as the limo pulled up. And when the man got out, even without his jet black top hat on, Jesus saw he was big. Damn big. "Jesus," Jesus thought, "I'm gonna have to give the man his due."
Jack the Ripper leaned back against the limo, causing the costly machine to sink down onto the tarmac under the Ripper's incredibly muscular weight. The Ripper lit a cigar. A big one. Big as a hard penis.
"I hear those things are bad for you," the President said.
"Who'd you hear that from, mate?" the Ripper replied, taking a nice long drag. "Some fuckin' libtard?"
"Libtards," said Jesus. "God I hate 'em. Hey, you wanna kill one?"
"Kill a fuckin' libtard?"
"Yeah."
"Shit mate, I'd do it for free."
"Crazy fucker! Jesus man," said Jesus, "I bet you would!"
So then President Christ jostled Jack the Ripper, and Jack the Ripper jostled President Christ right back, and one thing led to another and they wound up shooting guns together.
"Beer me," said Jesus to the Ripper, man-to-man.
BOOM! went the guns, BOOM!
"Hey Mate," Jack the Ripper said to Jesus, "You didn't call me here just to go shootin' and talk fantasy football."
BOOM.
"You're right, my friend, I didn't. I want you to find the Devil..."
BOOM!
"...and I want you to terminate her command."
BOOM! BOOM!
"Damn, Mate, when You say fuckin' libtard, You mean fuckin' libtard! All right, I'll do it. I'll kill the goddam Devil right in her fuckin' libtard bed. I'll literally chop her into pieces. Then I'll send You the selfies and mock the authorities in the press to prove it."
"Hey Jack, I don't care how you do it, just get the job done," said Jesus Christ. "I'll pay you a great deal of money. I'll make you a very rich man."
"Mr. President, Mate," said Jack the Ripper shaking Jesus Christ's hand, "You got Yourself a deal."
"I knew I could count on you, Jack the Ripper. This will be my greatest peacekeeping mission ever, but you'll have to keep it secret. And one more thing, Jack. You're going to need some help."
"Mate, You know I work better alone."
"Not this time, Jack." Jesus touched the button that made the wall go up, revealing a vast underground world of weapons being tested. Jesus and the Ripper hopped in a Hummer with the top down.
"The Devil's not like any foe you've ever faced, Jack," Jesus said as they sped along together down miles of bare gleaming tunnel. "You're going to need to assemble a team."
SCENE 2
Adolf Hitler sat in his dark cell alone like a mountain of muscle, the strength of his gigantic body far too vast to measure. The light from the approaching Hummer crossed the form and revealed a glimpse of Hitler's giant white battle-scarred head. Hitler let the thousand-pound weight he had been curling crash onto the floor.
BOOM.
Jack and Jesus stood outside the Big Guy's cell, careful to avoid the energy beam barrier.
Jesus cut to the chase. "You ever seen the Devil?"
Long silence. Then:
"Ja," Hitler replied. "I have seen her."
"Hey mate, wanna help me kill her?"
"Ja. On ein condition."
"What's that, mate?"
"Ich need ein a fresh can of chew."
Jack looked at Jesus. "And in the libtard media they always say the Big Guy's no damn good."
Hitler returned to pumping his iron.
"That's the Devil's doing," Jesus said. "Fuckin' bitch!"
At this point, for the duration of perhaps eight minutes, very little took place in the lives of Jack, Jesus, and Adolf, almost as though they were all waiting for a sequence of invisible commercials to happen. And then, as though some imaginary camera resumed filming after said sequence of equally imaginary commercial advertisements, Hitler said to Jack the Ripper, "Wo to now, boss?" President Christ, standing behind Hitler, concurred: "Yeah boss, where to now?"
Good God, Jesus thought, is Adolf Hitler ever built. Producing a tape measure out of thin air with a benign expression on His face reminiscent of Doug Henning, the President was shocked to discover that Der Fuhrer's shoulders stretched seven and a half feet across! Jesus H. Christ, thought the President, where do you even find a wifebeater t-shirt big enough to fit him? When suddenly...
BOOM! Hitler backhanded Jesus and sent the Lord sprawling.
"Was ist das?" the Big Guy BOOMed. "Jesus Christ, You try to make the sex with Hitler! Hitler have say in matter! Hitler...have feelings."
Jesus got up. He was pissed off.
"Goddamit to hell, quit takin' my fuckin' name in vane!"
"Hey Mate, we heard You do it."
"Shut the fuck up! I swear to God!..."
"Ja, right there!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"Look mates, you both asked where to now, right? Well let's just say I know a 13 foot-tall hillbilly who used to be a legendary logger--maybe even part Bigfoot--literally worshipped by other loggers. Now he's just a meth-head. He doesn't even have food money, mates. We can get this guy easy."
SCENE 3
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THE DEVILKILLERS
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BOOM!
"...and I want you to terminate her command."
BOOM! BOOM!
"Damn, Mate, when You say fuckin' libtard, You mean fuckin' libtard! All right, I'll do it. I'll kill the goddam Devil right in her fuckin' libtard bed. I'll literally chop her into pieces. Then I'll send You the selfies and mock the authorities in the press to prove it."
"Hey Jack, I don't care how you do it, just get the job done," said Jesus Christ. "I'll pay you a great deal of money. I'll make you a very rich man."
"Mr. President, Mate," said Jack the Ripper shaking Jesus Christ's hand, "You got Yourself a deal."
"I knew I could count on you, Jack the Ripper. This will be my greatest peacekeeping mission ever, but you'll have to keep it secret. And one more thing, Jack. You're going to need some help."
"Mate, You know I work better alone."
"Not this time, Jack." Jesus touched the button that made the wall go up, revealing a vast underground world of weapons being tested. Jesus and the Ripper hopped in a Hummer with the top down.
"The Devil's not like any foe you've ever faced, Jack," Jesus said as they sped along together down miles of bare gleaming tunnel. "You're going to need to assemble a team."
SCENE 2
Adolf Hitler sat in his dark cell alone like a mountain of muscle, the strength of his gigantic body far too vast to measure. The light from the approaching Hummer crossed the form and revealed a glimpse of Hitler's giant white battle-scarred head. Hitler let the thousand-pound weight he had been curling crash onto the floor.
BOOM.
Jack and Jesus stood outside the Big Guy's cell, careful to avoid the energy beam barrier.
Jesus cut to the chase. "You ever seen the Devil?"
Long silence. Then:
"Ja," Hitler replied. "I have seen her."
"Hey mate, wanna help me kill her?"
"Ja. On ein condition."
"What's that, mate?"
"Ich need ein a fresh can of chew."
Jack looked at Jesus. "And in the libtard media they always say the Big Guy's no damn good."
Hitler returned to pumping his iron.
"That's the Devil's doing," Jesus said. "Fuckin' bitch!"
At this point, for the duration of perhaps eight minutes, very little took place in the lives of Jack, Jesus, and Adolf, almost as though they were all waiting for a sequence of invisible commercials to happen. And then, as though some imaginary camera resumed filming after said sequence of equally imaginary commercial advertisements, Hitler said to Jack the Ripper, "Wo to now, boss?" President Christ, standing behind Hitler, concurred: "Yeah boss, where to now?"
Good God, Jesus thought, is Adolf Hitler ever built. Producing a tape measure out of thin air with a benign expression on His face reminiscent of Doug Henning, the President was shocked to discover that Der Fuhrer's shoulders stretched seven and a half feet across! Jesus H. Christ, thought the President, where do you even find a wifebeater t-shirt big enough to fit him? When suddenly...
BOOM! Hitler backhanded Jesus and sent the Lord sprawling.
"Was ist das?" the Big Guy BOOMed. "Jesus Christ, You try to make the sex with Hitler! Hitler have say in matter! Hitler...have feelings."
Jesus got up. He was pissed off.
"Goddamit to hell, quit takin' my fuckin' name in vane!"
"Hey Mate, we heard You do it."
"Shut the fuck up! I swear to God!..."
"Ja, right there!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"Look mates, you both asked where to now, right? Well let's just say I know a 13 foot-tall hillbilly who used to be a legendary logger--maybe even part Bigfoot--literally worshipped by other loggers. Now he's just a meth-head. He doesn't even have food money, mates. We can get this guy easy."
SCENE 3
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THE DEVILKILLERS
SOON
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